My task for today and tomorrow before I go into a writing workshop for English, I have to recycle a piece of my old writing. Now I decided to go way back to when I was in primary school in 2016. This was 5 years ago and I would have been 11 and honestly, I would love to see how much as a person I have changed and improved in writing. My honest opinion is that I can plan stories out better and can imagine in my head the details/situation in a more clear complex. Let's see how I go...
Disclamier - This was written in 2016 so if it's cringy it will get better when I have produced the final project...
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The Orginal Text...
Imagine that you are sitting in the crowd at the opening ceremonies for the Rio Olympics this August. The ceremony has just started and all of the Olympic athletes are parading around the stadium in their uniforms when all of a sudden…
A firework went off its path and flew in the middle of the Area. As the police were clearing out the Athletes And The Crowed the fire work was almost to the ground! Screaming, Running, crying as people were pushing and shoving to get out of the Area. As everyone was out the police were running and running as soon BANG! The last cop jumped into the car park. The floor in the middle of the Area was a big hole which was too hot to touch. The floor was everywhere even the seeds the Athletes Planted into the small capsule. Some of the capsules with the dirt flew and made a mess on the seats. The next day the Olympics were still on but at a Different Area. Lots of people helped to clean up the mess it took 2 days and most of Brazil helped cleaned up. After the big clean up the Athletes Competed and New Zealand won lots of gold medals.
(Fun Facts The Olympics Games At A Cost Of US Dollars Was A Total Of 14.4 Billon Dollars)
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Orginial Text Link;
A Little Opinion
First things first which does annoy me is how the text isn't centered. You may think the uncentered text is fine but to me, it is a huge pain because I like things perfect (stupid I know) but that's just me. With this piece of text, I dislike how it seems so unrealistic and the writer doesn't feel like they are in their own shoes at the '2016 Olympics Games.' What I do like about it is how it gets to the point and how I included what would happen in that situation and some emotions. The changes I will be putting into this writing is to make it seem like a real event that has actually happen and you have just so happened to witness it. Now it looks like it's time to make this text better.
Phrases/Basic Words To Replace
1.
Old...
A firework went off its path and flew in the middle of the Area
New...
The burning hot tube sparks bounced off into this orbit and journeyed to the middle of the Arena.
~
2.
Old...
Screaming, Running, crying as people were pushing and shoving
New...
All that my ears would pick up would match the horror on people's faces as they panicked, screaming, crying, pushing to try to save their souls.
~
3.
Old...
The next day
New...
Twenty-Four hours later...
~
4.
Old...
won lots of gold medals.
New...
Collected a good amount of shiny gold medals.
~
5.
Old...
was almost to the ground!
New...
Had almost made contact to the ground.
~
6.
Old...
big clean up
New...
After the disastrous mess got cleaned up
~
7.
Old...
running as soon BANG!
New...
I was dodding my way to the exit not long until I heard a noise as loud as a meteor crashing into the earth's surface.
~
8.
Old...
which was too hot to touch.
New...
I tried to help remove it but it was like lava burning my hands.
~
9.
Old...
Imagine that you are sitting in the crowd
New...
Just sit there for a second and imagine that it was you sitting in the cramped up crowd.
~
10.
Old...
made a mess on the seats.
New...
As the dirt flew it covered the seats as if brown paint spilled on them.
~
The Actual Task
- Find a piece of writing you wrote a while ago- This could be in the last year or something from primary school. (Search your blog and see what you find.)
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- Re-read it. Make a list of what you like about it and what you think needs to be changed.
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- Plan out how you will include the needed changes- check that the plot makes sense.
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- Find 10 basic words or phrases you have used and replace them with a better vocabulary.
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- Re-write your complete text. Edit it. Strengthen it. Publish it.
TO BE CONTINUED
(Come back tomorrow :))
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